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Ten Reasons for American Divorce
After the first two they are in no particular order (because it is hard to say which ones are more frequent).
1
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Taking God out of the Family
When God is taken out of the equation of marriage, the end result is a house built on sand. Some might stand, if the storms aren’t too bad. Most, however, will fall to simple waves. Marriages like this might work if other things are met, especially commitment, and proper authority, but throw any of the other causes for failed marriages into the mix and you are unlikely to withstand even the smallest storm. “Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it: except the LORD keep the city, the watchman waketh [but] in vain.” Psl 271:1 .
2
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Lack of Commitment
It is not uncommon these days to see people conisidering relationships temporary. People date one person after the other, supposedly seeking “true love” or “the right fit”. People think nothing of enjoying sexual relations with those they date so flippantly. This temporary relationship is not only damaging to those who engage in them (emotional upheavals!) but to the marriages of those who have engaged in it (and those who didn’t, but who are watching it happen all around and thinking it normal). When marriage is seen as something that can be entered into and escaped from on a whim, it happens more and more. This is directly contradictory to the Word’s expectation of marriage. “Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” Mat 19:6 .
3
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Me-ism
By this I mean the chronic selfishness of today’s society. When people engage in marriage thinking it is all about them, and thinking that they should never have to change, but that the other person should change (first) a marriage is bound to fail. So often I hear people say things like “that is part of my personality, it isn’t going to change” or “if I change that I won’t be the same person” or things like “I won’t change this {whatever} because it’s just who I am” HOGWASH. If it is truly part of your personality at the basest sense, it isn’t going to change. People change alot in their lives, but they are still the same people. I am a completely new creature, just ask my parents! but I am still ME. The problem with me-ism, is that the world doesn’t revolve around ME (YOU) it revolves around God. He told us “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” Jhn 15:13 .
4
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Material Focus and Financial Irresponsibilit
y
Is it any wonder that people are so material minded in this society? TV and Radio and mass production and general wealth have made attaining nearly anything one’s heart desires entirely possible. But to hoard our wealth in toys “He who dies with the most toys wins”, or houses “the bigger the better”, or fancy cars “if it ain’t fast it ain’t for me”, is wrong. It directly contradicts scripture, as I will show in a moment. The way that this corrodes marriage is by pitting each others wants against the other. It plays big time into the Me-Ism mentioned above. A competition ensues, no one wins, everyone loses, and usually they lose in a heap of debt. When a family isn’t competing to have the most toys, but agrees to have many in general, and to enter into debt (credit or otherwise), a weight is hung around their necks. The friction of the debt wears on the couple, and unless they are bound in Christ, and Committed (first two reasons for failure), they are doomed to fail. It isn’t the lack of money, it isn’t the abundance of money, it is the bondage of making money your master that kills this marriage. Some verses: Luk 16:13 “No servant can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.” Luke 12:15 “And he said unto them, Take heed, and beware of covetousness: for a man’s life consisteth not in the abundance of the things which he possesseth.” and the parable of the hoarder Luke 12:16-20 .
5
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Belief That There is No Difference Between the Sexes
This leads to the mixed up roles of men and women, which causes no one to be truly happy. When a man is made to act and feel feminine he is stripped of his power and his authority, which in turn robs him of his joy. The same is true for women. If a woman is made or encouraged to act like a man, and to give up her gentle soft side, in favor of the aggressive side, she will not find true happiness. When roles are mixed up in a marriage it causes contention. And the Word says it is awful for a man to live with a contentious wife, “[It is] better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.” Pro 21:19 . When women are very contentious as they are when they try to be men, men do not desire to live with them. Look around you ladies, men leave women who are career minded far more often then those who are home minded. (An article written about that)Women and men are equal in value but different in position and purpose. For women’s role refer to 2Timothy 2, Titus 2, and Proverbs 31. For male roles well, that is pretty much everywhere. For how we are equal see Gal 3:28 “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.”
6
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Denying Sexual Relations
MANIPULATION at it’s worst. I really don’t think much needs to be said here. This is not something that is a desire, but is a need, and in the Christian marriage it is a requirement.1Cr 7:4 “The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.”
7
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Women Usurping Male Authority in the Home
Women search for things like “total control over husband” and they find my site (why I don’t know!) But if they will stay a while they will find that total control over their husband will cause him to leave! A woman’s rightful place is as a help meet to her husband. When women usurp the authority in the home the man does one of three things, he fights her tooth and nail, he leaves her emotionally (or physically) for another woman, or for work, or he becomes weak and despondant. God created men to lead, He gave them authority over their homes/families and over the earth. When women usurp that rightful role, they bring curses upon their marriage. Obedience to God’s ways brings blessing. (Deu 11:27 “A blessing, if ye obey the commandments of the LORD your God, which I command you this day:” shortly after followed by the curses for disobedience.)
8
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Independence = Good/Right, Dependence = Bad/Wrong
We were not made as independent beings. We are meant to be dependent on God and on each other. In our society being independent is the highest ideal. This effects both men and women in marriage, by causing them to think that they do not need each other. But God’s way is better. Gen 2:18 “And the LORD God said, [It is] not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” and that women are to depend on their husbands. Gen 3:16 “Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire [shall be] to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.” [emphasis mine]. Dependance is a good thing. This one goes hand in hand with the fact that there are differences between men and women in purpose. We are to serve each other, laying down our lives for each other, and women are to submit to their husbands. (Eph 5:20-21) As humans and especially as Christians we are to consider others better than ourselves, outside and inside of marriage. Inside of marriage it goes further to establish order. The woman submits to the husband, the husband lays down his life for her as Christ did for the church.
9
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Sexual “Liberation”
Again with the sleeping around! By declaring “free love” sex was passed around like it had no value. The emotional intimacy that is shared so flippantly is lost in a marriage. I cannot even begin to tell you how many people tell me that they struggle in their physical intimacy with their husband, and when they do inevitably they were unfaithful prior to marraige. Sometimes that unfaithfulness was with their (at the time) future spouse and no one else, and sometimes it was with others, small or great. It always causes trouble in the marriage. There is also this idea that pornography is not adultery (it is adultery look –> Mat 5:28 “But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.”) Or the feeling that if one is not satisfied sexually in marriage they can then look else where. But putting your spouse away from you in divorce and marrying another is adultery Mat 19:9 “And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except [it be] for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.”
10
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Co-Habitation and Causualness of Relationships
This one plays very well into the Lack of Commitment. Because people treat relationships so temporarily, they find it ok to live together “for a while to see how it goes”. This co-habitation is used as a way to “try out marriage” and “see if it could work”. Problem with that is, marriages rarely work without serious effort, that effort really comes when you can have serious commitment. Without commitment marriage fails. Living together before marriage does not increase the survival rate of a marriage, but instead decreases it.
and here are two extras for consideration:
a. No safeguards against emotional infidelity
This one goes with the causualness of relationships. Men meet women at work everyday, conversations between men and women are no longer considered dangerous, but are a “right” we have. When needs are not met at home, conversations started with co-workers, (or others) can lead to emotional intimacy that exceeds the intimacy at home. If that intimacy is given outside of marriage it doesn’t start to happen spontaneously inside of it. Don’t vent to your buddy, you mother, your daddy, your co-worker about your spouse. Don’t do it with the same gender, and don’t do it with the opposite gender. Emotional Infidelity doesn’t have to happen with the opposite gender, and it doesn’t have to lead to physical intimacy to be infidelity, and a detriment to a marriage.
b. Hollywood Love/ Romance
This is the idea that love is romance. That you can fall into and out of love. That love is temporary. That love is based on emotions. LIES LIES LIES. Love is a choice we make. We can even choose to love our enemies. Love is expressed in actions, when you are committed to behaving lovingly, then your emotions can follow after.
Well, that is a very long list. It took me tons of time to write. My hands are cramping up! So, I’m going to end here kind of abruptly. Comments are always welcome.
Mrs. Meg Logan (happily married btw!)
What can I say: great post and
a beautiful new look!
I’m sure you know that I disagree with a lot of the ideological claims here, and I’m more than a bit bothered that you’re presenting these somewhat plausible but largely unsupported assertions as facts. It would be nice if you had some evidence.
FWIW, there is evidence that speaks to your point #1, but, well…
From the New York Times:
The Barna Group, a California organization that studies evangelical Christian trends, has produced two studies about divorce that found that born-again Christians were just as likely to divorce as those who are not born-again Christians.
One of the reports, a survey of 7,043 people in 2001, said that: “Residents of the Northeast and West are commonly noted for their more liberal leanings in politics and lifestyle. However, the region of the nation in which divorce was least likely was the Northeast.”
The other study, published two months ago, said that even though the Northeast probably had a higher rate of couples living together rather than marrying, the divorce rate would be essentially similar even if the cohabiting couples got hitched. And it said that “relatively few divorced Christians experienced their divorce before accepting Christ as their savior.”
So it would seem that you’re wrong on point number 1. Do you have any evidence to back up your other points?
Jake,
I never argued that christians would be divorcing less. Being a christian (or calling yourself one) does not mean you have allowed God into your marriage. I would argue that there are many MANY persons claiming to be christians, who are NOT following His Word regarding marriage, which would mean that they are doing precisely what I argue in Point 1. They have removed Him from their marriage. Were they to be following what His Word says regarding marriage, and keeping Him in the midst of their marriage, they would not be divorcing. For it is forbidden, under nearly all circumstances. (I have written about those circumstances before.)
You are free to disagree, I am not interested in seeking scientific “support” or “refutation” regarding the issue at hand. My support is found in the ultimate authority of Scripture. I am writing based on scriptural reasons, and my own observations. There is plenty of support if you just ask around… ask people why they divorced and then look at my list, is their reason classified there? I bet it is, if not then perhaps I have missed something. I would be happy to make the list longer.
I would however be interested in why YOU think divorce happens. That would be interesting. I bet anything you come up with will be covered on my list too. If not, see above paragraph.
Mrs. Meg Logan
I guess, Meg, the main difference is that unlike you, I don’t see divorce as necessarily a bad thing, so I’m not too worried about why it happens. I mean sure, it’s sad, but divorcing is better than staying in a life that is making you miserable. I guess what it comes down to is that I don’t think that someone external is qualified to tell others how to live their lives.
And, of course, you’re free to make as many unsupported assertions as you like, this is your blog, but doing so disqualifies you from rational discourse. Of course, that may not matter to you, in which case never mind.
Jake,
If you simply don’t think divorce is a problem, then why I think it happens should matter very little to you. And if you actually have no refutations but simply disagree, then why don’t you say that, instead of arguing that my reasoning behind WHY it happens is wrong.
“I mean sure, it’s sad, but divorcing is better than staying in a life that is making you miserable.”
ME-ISM…. me me me, me me me…. Life isn’t about if it is FUN! This statement also quite easily falls under “Lack of Committment”(not enough commitment to get past the difficult part and see an enjoyable marriage) and “Hollywood Love”- (the idea that love is temporary, and based on emotions.)
You have done nothing to refute my reasons, which are not unfounded. They are founded on observation, and Scripture.
You may not agree that I have the right to denounce something as wrong. That is fine for you to say. But one day you will stand before the Ultimate Judge and He will not accept that you find His Word unsupported. (It is supported, well, in fact. Did you read any of the other links to Biblical Support I gave you?)
If you feel you cannot have rational discourse with me, then don’t come back and post. I really am not interested in arguing over whether or not observation and Scripture are enough support for you to repent, and I am certainly not interested in conversations with those who find me to be irrational. If that is truly how you feel, then don’t come back. If you would like to argue my points, then by all means do so, but don’t tell me that theyare unsupported when you cannot even refute them.
Waiting for your “rational”refutation,
Mrs. Meg Logan
Meg, I already refuted your first point. Your response doesn’t hold water; it’s essentially a No True Scotsman arguement, a logical fallacy. I didn’t say the others were incorrect, I said that they were unsupported. There is a difference.
This: “If you would like to argue my points, then by all means do so”
Directly contradicts
this: “I am not interested in seeking scientific “support†or “refutation†regarding the issue at hand.”
If evidence doesn’t matter, what is there for me, or anyone, to argue?
Also, where did my salvation enter this conversation? I thought we were talking about divorce.
“Meg, I already refuted your first point. Your response doesn’t hold water.
The problem is, Meg’s first point is correct. It is your “scientific support” that is the problem, Jake. Before taking studies as statements of fact, Jake, it may be worth while to verify how these studies were conducted.
Without a doubt, in the pool of people in the U.S. who call themselves “evangelical”, I would guess that only half of them are truly born-again (and I’m being very generous here). That, in a nutshell is the Achilles Heal of your studies. How in the world does one determine who is truly saved, and who is just being a total hypocrite? You can’t do it. Meg can’t do it. And no University professor who doesn’t even know the Lord can do it either.
Keeping God in a marriage is an essential component of any successful marriage. The Bible clearly states that “a threefold cord is not quickly broken”; that’s the husband, the wife and the Lord.
Meg, sister, don’t feed Jake’s nonsense. She’ll keep going and going and you will be going full speed to nowhere.
Jake, stop taking “scientific” popcorn for cash and use whatever bit of common sense God gave you (if there is any left at all). Repent and believe on the Gospel.
Thank you Rand. As you may have guessed by the delay in my latest comment, I had given up “arguing” with Jake over this issue. Her eyes are covered and blind, and she has no ears to hear. Thusly, I have given up the arguement.
Hope things are wonderful for you and your family Rand.
Your sister,
Meg
Yes, I believe you must keep God in a marriage. But what about two of my friends (two different couples) who really upheld God as the centre of their lives and ended up in divorce. and I went to each of their weddings and they were so amazing and everyone there was going on and on about how God really brought these people together.
AND they were not jaded by romantic love, they were not selfish, they prayed together and were so serious about their decision before hand and even saved themselves in purity before they got married.
I guess there is no guarantee in anything in this life. Even if you do things the right way.
Well SA, I don’t know the individual’s you are talking about, and I don’t know their situation. But I do know what the Word of God says. And if your friend’s were following it, and living their lives by it, they would not be divorced. You act like getting a divorce is something that can “just happen”. Getting a divorce is a free will choice. Those couples you speak of (an all other couples) CHOOSE divorce. They decide what they are going to follow and what they are going to do. They CHOSE to divorce. I don’t know what the situations were that encouraged them to choose this way… But I am sure it is one of the things I mentioned in the post. In the end though, it really doesn’t matter WHY you choose a divorce, it is still a sin anyway you look at it. The only time you can divorce and not be in sin is if you divorce due to infidelity, or if your spouse who is not a Christian divorces you, then you may allow them to without sinning.
Read the Verses yourself if you don’t believe me, that is what they are there for. I am sorry to hear of your friend’s demise. May God forgive them and brign them to the Truth.
Mrs. Meg Logan
Hi Meg, stumbled across your blog (and this post in particular) and found it interesting. Here is a thought I’d like to throw out: I think that your list confuses a few issues. Some are reasons that people are willing to consider divorce, while a century ago that would not have been an option (social change, sexual revolution, individualism, not taking scripture literally). But then there are reasons that people reach the point where divorce seems reasonable in their own particular relationship (cheating or straying from the relationship, power struggles, etc). At least to me, this list is clearer when I think of these as two seperate issues.
To the latter issue, I think that I would add as a significant point, that people generally have incredibly unrealistic expectations of their spouse. They expect that their spouse will fill all the “broken bits’ in them, and when their (very human, very imperfect) spouse is not able to do so, they are shocked and feel betrayed – and this, combined with bad problem-solving skills or latent anger or other problems that you mentioned, leads to a toxic unhappy relationship that does require divorce (at least in the opinion of the ppl involved in the relationship).
My thoughts are partly based on the theory of Hendrix Harville, “Getting the love you want” – I actually think you might find it quite interesting, if you are interested in theories about marriage. He developped his theory as a relationship therapist, after working as a Baptist minister. Fascinating stuff.
Parodie,
Thank you for your comment. I agree that the list could easily be separated into two categories. Perhaps one day I will do that, and go into deeper consideration of the causes of divorce. I do not know. This post took well over and hour to write, and is a very long read… so we shall see. I have never heard of Hendrix Harville, and while I am very interested in what the Word of God says regarding marriage and divorce, I am less interested in what other’s have theorized… But perhaps the Lord will bring this book across my path, in which case I will gladly read it.
Again, thanks for the comment, I hope you will return, what you have said is very well put.
May the Lord Bless you and keep you.
Mrs. Meg Logan
I really appreciate the things being listed here…for it is very useful in making my composition.
May God bless you and continue to guide you in your life..
Timothy
as a junior in highschool doing a controversial issue research paper im focusing on teen marriage and after all the research i have found that money is the number one cause of divorce. Afterall, without security people may find themselves feeling like they need to escape… or the stress willl just build up and ruin the marriage.
Ashley.
Money, is just paper and metal, it cannot cause you to do anything. We all make our own choices. It may be that you mean to say that financial stressors encourage people to want to take the easy way out, or to think more of themselves, or to choose divorce, but ultimately they made a CHOICE.
So the number one “cause” of divorce is CHOICE. And making this choice falls under both 1 and 2 (oh and 4).
1. When you take God out of a marriage (or if He was never there in the first place) then you are relying on other things to get you through. Nothing is stronger than God, and money certainly cannot hold a marriage together. (Case in point, celebrity divorces where they clearly have enough money.)
2. Lack of Committment, well, if you were COMMITTED in “richer or poorer” then, guess being poor wouldn’t matter much.
and check out number four too!
God bless you,
Mrs.MegLogan
Meg,
I agree divorce is ungodly and you make valid, biblical points on the case, but you haven’t touched on abuse. The Bible doesn’t comment on this subject in the context of marriage either. What would you tell a woman who was being physically abused by her husband? Or how about a woman who knew her husband was abusing her children (physically, sexually, etc)?
Elle,
I have not touched on abuse, because, while MANY people ask me this question, I don’t think they would honestly like to hear my answer. Furthermore, most people who ask this question are not looking for godly answers to REAL problems, only to point out that I am “legalistic” or some such thing. Were I to know a woman in real life, (or closely on the internet) who was struggling with such things, and asked my advice I would give it, tenderly, compassionately, and specifically for HER situation.
Not every situation is the same.
Suffice it to say, that I stand by my belief that divorce is a BIG NO NO in God’s Word, and He has not made any special provisions for the woman who is abused, that I can see. Does that mean that there is no answer except to stay and die? No, but death is not the end of life for a Christian, so it IS a possible answer.
I hope this was clear, I am not saying what any given woman should do in an abusive situation, especially in one in which her children’s lives are in danger. I do believe that there are options that do not include divorce and that DO include safety.
But I also want to be perfectly clear that death has no sting for the Christian whose hope is placed in Christ… and staying with an abusive spouse may be the Lord’s will in some cases. (It is clearly His will in all cases that she not divorce him.)
Am I clear??
I have been thinking of doing a post on this topic, but I’m not sure I can be clear enough…
Mrs.MegLogan
p.s. Welcome to the blog
That was a great post! You are so right on! I was sad when it ended – I wanted to keep reading. Thanks for posting that!