Meg Logan’s Blog

Well, I grew up a bit, got sober, got good grades, held down a full time (or very nearly full time) job and finished High School. I was accepted to a wonderful school, Guilford College, in Greensboro NC.

After a summer of all nighters, watching sun set and sunrise, and being promiscuous I bravely ventured out to college.

I thought I had the world at my finger tips. I was finally “out from under the parents”, and could do my own thing. (I have since learned that “under the parents” or any authority is a safer place to be!!) My very first month at college I discovered that I was pregnant. I commited murder, and went about my life never feeling much remorse, other than knowing it was the wrong thing to do. I dated 6 men in six months, until I finally met my future husband.

I met my DH (dear husband) and was instantly draw to his spiritual nature. His love of God, and righteousness. I could not fathom why a “good boy” like him would enjoy my company, and would even date me. But by God’s grace he did…

I remember that I still went around getting drunk for a while, until I spent too long over a toilet with the love of my life (a good boy who was never drunk) holding my hair back. That was bottom of bottoms for me! I swore off alcohol, and never looked back.

I started to clean up my act, by shear will power, and the strength of desire I had for such a good man as my DH. At this time my desire for my future husband was greater than my desire for God, but shortly after I started attending the weekly sermon on campus held by InterVarsity. It was good teaching and fellowship, even though I still despised most Christians. To be honest, I can’t even figure out why I went there. I knew I wanted to be Christian… but why I have no idea, since I despised them too.

I heard many sermons, I got in the Word. That summer I served as a Christian Camp Counselor, and I was learning more about God than ever. I was feeling on top of the world, I thought I was saved… I taught others about Christ, I prayed, I really loved God, but I still wasn’t saved. (To this day I cannot understand how that is. How you can love the Lord, and confess Him and His salvation, and STILL not trust Him in your own life for salvation.) One can understand how I could be so confused. I suppose it is possible that I was saved then, but I now have a “moment of salvation”. A time when I recall becoming different.

After a few years (two I think) of dating my DH, and going to InterVarsity I thought I was saved, but I had continual doubts. I kept questioning if I really believed all this or if I was just pretending. You will recall that I spent a great deal of time pretending to be someone I wasn’t, and learning how to lie to myself VERY VERY well. My life seemed to be in good order, my parents thought I was saved because they could see the change in my life. In fact, instead of hating me we all grew together. The Lord reconciled our relationship, and we now have one of the closest, most honest relationships between parent and child that I know of. My parents, during my college years, returned to church. And began to live life for the Lord again.

I was still living in sin however, it was a hidden sin from most people, so many people thought that I was pretty good now. But I knew better.

One day my DH and I were returning to school from somewhere, and we were talking about God. I think I must have asked him if I can KNOW I am saved. And at that time the Holy Spirit intervened.

My DH told me that I needed to repent. There was a LIST a mile long. I thought I had already repented, but I realized at that time that repentance isn’t just lip service. It is a heart rending experience, which changes you forever. On that evening I prayed that the Lord would forgive me of every sin imaginable, and finally we came to my greatest sin.. PRIDE. I thik it took me 5 minutes to wrestle with that one. 5 minutes of sitting in the hot seat with God, crying, aching to be with Him… and I finally gave up that little innocuous sin for His salvation.

That is when I was saved. But most people who knew me thought I had already been saved… I still don’t understand it. I am not sure I need to… But I do understand this.. There is assurance in Him, blessed peaceful assurance, and havin a good looking life doesn’t always mean you know Him, and knowing Him and knowing of Him are not always indicative of salvation. Even Satan knows the Lord, and knows of Him…

Well, Thanks for listening everyone! I am glad I finally put this in writing.

Meg

When I was 11 my family moved to L.A. I remember that place as a “city without God”. It was scary, hard, mean, and there seemed to me to be no God.

My parents fell away from the church. During this time I recall that I lost my innocence when some local gang girls picked me for a target. I remember wondering how I had never known the world was so cruel. And I remember purposing to be hard after that. I hardened my heart, I refused to cry in public, and I stopped caring for people.

Within a year or two my parents packed us up and moved us back to NY, this time we lived in another difficult area, Long Island. The people there were far less violent, but cunningly deceptive, and I lived in a world full of lies. I became adept at lieing. I lied to myself so much that I came out of that time not having a clue who I was, or who God created me to be. I had built layers and layers of lies to protect myself, to get away with things, and to appear cooler than I was.

My parents still weren’t involved in a church. But I began wondering abotu God again. I asked my father many questions, and soon found a church that I could walk to on Sundays. I walked every Sunday for a while, I made sure to act real tough so they would leave me alone. (I am sure I wasn’t as scary as I thought I was, sheesh I only weighed in at 110 lbs!) I met a boy there who would not leave me alone, it was obvious to me that he was not a Christian, and so I rushed to get Baptised. My parents came. I was baptised, and I thought I was saved, I did believe that Jesus was Lord, and I believed He would save me from Hell.

But my life didn’t change, not one bit. Infact it got worse and worse. I got involved in drugs at 13, sex at 14, and anything else I could get my hands on. I rebelled intensely. I gave my parents reason to hate me.

Even though I was rebelling, and totally absorbed in a life full of sin, I read my Bible, I prayed. I searched. At first I was sure Jesus was the only way, even though I didn’t really know how to “get Him”. But after a while, I came to think that Jesus was “dumb”.

When I was 16 I went to NA (Narcotics Anonymous). I stayed in the program for 2 years, and did get clean and sober. I recall saying that I “didn’t want the God of my father!” (Who was Jesus, at least that is what I thought at the time.)

I remember reading Proverbs, and coming across the scripture condemning women like me. (one of MANY scriptures!) A woman with “honey on her tongue” and I KNEW what that meant! A sweet talking LIAR, and not just a LIAR but FORNICATOR. I remember asking God to forgive me, and to come into my heart again, and again feeling no different.

I was scared of God, let me tell you! I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I had no self control!

By the time I was 18 my father and I had had MANY religious talks, where he answered my questions as best as he could. (Which was pretty good for a guy not living the right way!) I think it was those questions that got him started back toward God, and I know they really got me thinking too.

(I haven’t really covered just how aweful my life was. I tried to hit the points on the head and not get into detail, because I am saved, and by God’s grace I have forgotten some of the worst parts! But I am sure that you can imagine just how bad it got.)

My college years are next…

Meg

As far back as I can remember I have been seeking God. I remember that when I was eight I took a World Culture course in school, which talked about all the religions. I came home and asked my dad (who used to be a pastor) how we could know that Jesus was the right answer. I don’t remember what he said, but I do remember that it wasn’t enough for me, I was still questioning.

A while after that my dad had our pastor over, so I could ask him how we could know that Jesus was the right way, and that Christianity was true. At this age I understood that there could only be one right answer, but I wasn’t sure what that answer was. Our pastor told me his testimony, but it sounded like emotional circumstance to me, I distinclty remember asking him “Yes, but how do you KNOW Jesus is the answer?” He told me “You just know!” Needless to say that was not a turning point in my life. I was more confused than I had been before the conversation.

Everyone told me time and again that I just had to pray for Jesus to come into my heart and He would come. I remember praying for that for years, but never feeling any different.

……

WOW. GUILTY. I have never thought of it like that. You all know I am wrestleing with the concepts of Calvinism, and am trying to come to the truth. So this thought really struck me.

If you can boast of the choice you made, that makes it a work doesn’t it? And we know what God says about works. “Works are dead” and that we can only be saved by grace alone, lest anyone boasts! oh my oh my.

SO I have always believed that you are not saved by works. I have always believed that you are saved “by grace alone”. But I dont think I really took it far enough.

I am thinking that I must have been given this measure of faith as a gift (yes we know it to be scripturally true). So I can only come to the saving knowledge of Christ if he first calls me, then draws me, then gives me faith to believe. So, in this way it was not my own doing, however, I also believe that the Lord could call me and I could ignore it, could draw me and I could rebell, could give me a measure of faith and I could call it a lie, or choose to doubt it.

In this way it seems to me that one could make the choice NOT to accept Christ, but one could never make the choice TO accept Christ OF THEIR OWN ACCORD. Is this possible?

Help me out guys, help me to straighten out these thoughts. Let me hear what you have to say.

Peace,
Meg

It has been a year since the Lord gave me a heart for the lost. BUt what have I done in that time? Nothing much. I have prayed, I have thought about evangelism, I have purposed to be bolder about what I know, but have not ever challenged or shown the truth to another, nor have I given anyone a choice, and opportunity to accept or reject Him. I confess, I have not fulfilled the Great Commission, not even the small commission, not even a little tiny commission. I have concetrated on myself, my family, my growth, my understanding of the Lord… me and mine…

For a long time I thought that was ok. That to live in the fishbowl of Christianity was OK. To only have Christian friends (especially since I have very little opportunity to meet non christians) was OK. BUT NO MORE. I repent! I have not looked for places to share the Word, I have not pressed or pursued the very bottom line, “Do you know Jesus? Do you rely on Him for your salvation?” I have skirted the issue, I have talked about “deeper” things without a good foundation, I have talked around the real issue in people’s lives trying not to offend, or come across fanatical.

Well, the Lord has not called us to be lukewarm. He has asked us to be on fire, filled with the power of His Spirit, evangelizing the Lost.

I read a book called “Share Jesus Without Fear” by William Fay. He isn’t perfect, he isn’t radical in his approach, BUT, he does reach the lost. He has shared the Gospel with 25,000 people, and seen many make a choice for Jesus. What have I done? nothing. I told my friends I believed in Jesus. BUt to them that means nothing. My life changed, i became more conservative, more modest, and a measure of innocence was returned to my once profane mind. I have begun to understand submission, and to walk under the authority of my husband. I guess I have been a “lifestyle evangelist”. But really, who are we kidding? Lifestyle Evangelism is a necessary part, because as Christians we are all called to righteousness, to be set apart, etc. But lifestyle evangelism does not present other people with a choice. It sets us apart in deed. It makes us a godly example, but godly examples are useless unless those who see this example are also told WHY my life is different, WHY I trust Him, and WHY they should too.

I am praying for many people to come to the Lord. Prayer is very important, but it is only half the battle. I am ready, to step up to step out for Christ. I have never been called “shy” so why in the world would I be “shy” about sharing the greatest thing that ever happened to me? I was afraid to be made a fool, and I had been taught that saying the wrong thing is a bad thing, that preaching the Gospel or using the Word in the wrong place is a failure, and turns people away from God. But I have more faith in God now, more faith in His Word.

I keep reminding myself that He can work even bad things for His glory, this isnt up to me to be perfect in presentation! It is up to the Holy Spirit. IF I do my job (present the Gospel and a choice) the Holy Spirit will do His job (convict the lost, and turn their hearts to the Lord). I cannot hide behind the fear of hurting other people’s feelings. I cannot stop sharing the gospel just because it might turn someone off. The Word divides, it offends, it convicts, it shows the truth. If I present the Word, I have done my part, I have presented a person with the Truth.

The Lord is the one who saves, the Spirit convicts, but I, I share the Word. I share my testimony, I share the truth, and offer a choice.

From now on I pledge to attempt to share the gospel, without fear. To those who come into my path. At the grocery store, my neighbors, my friends, yes even my family. The Lord willing I will see someone come to know Him. And that is the greatest gift I could ever give someone, a chance to know the Savior.

My friends, What will you do? Are you guilty as I have been? Have you neglected to share the gospel for fear of turning someone away from Christ? Have you neglected to share the gospel because you were afraid to be made a fool for His sake? Repent! and purpose to change. Pray! and reach the lost.

Peace be with you,

Meg