Being real is quite difficult when you have lived your whole life trying to be something you aren’t. I feel like my whole life I have been acting. When I first came to Christ, some masks went away, I was freer, I felt more like who He made me to be….
Now, I am realizing that He wants me to take off all of the masks, labels, rules, and things I hide behind to learn real intimacy, real transperancy, real trust. And folks, trust is what it really comes down to. Do I trust HIM, even when the people He asks me to be real with may not be trustworthy? Opening my life and my heart to people is hard work.
I’m not saying that I need to tell everyone, everything about my life. God isn’t asking me to spill all the beans to everyone. This isn’t (for me) about over expression of self. In fact, I also need to learn when I am giving too much info, sometimes people don’t want that much info. But that isn’t what this is really about. I am having a hard time putting my finger on it.
It’s about admitting when I am wrong. It’s about accepting that I am not perfect and not trying to hide my flaws and present myself as perfect. It isnt about never growing, or becoming stagnant, or giving up on working on my imperfections. It is not being afraid of them. It’s about not being afraid to say the hard things, about God, about myself, about others when asked. It’s about not being afraid to ask for help, from God, from people.
It’s about answering other peoples questions about myself with honesty, even when I do not really know the answer, being able to say “I don’t know”. It is about true intimacy, which the Lord is teaching me comes only when we truly care about other people and aren’t just faking it like the book “How to Win Friends and Influence People”.
For a long time, I was a great friend maker. I had many many friends, I was able to talk to just about anyone, and keep the conversation going. But in my heart I didn’t care one iota for them. I only cared that I could “win friends, and influence people”. But God is showing me that the heart is what is most important. Not only MY heart, but other people’s hearts.
Loving the way He loves requires honesty, truthfulness, gentleness, caring, and understanding. I can’t use others for my own peace. Peace only comes from the Lord. I can’t use others for my own joy, Joy only comes from the Lord. Friends are not meant to be “won” and people should not be “influenced” (in that way). Friends and people are children of God, they are princes, and princesses, they ought to be cared for and loved, and accepted in the way that He loves, cares and accepts me. Intimately, deeply, honestly, without reservation, but not carelessly, or recklessly.
To be others focused is the greatest joy. Having lived a whole life being self focused, this is taking some getting used to. I never realized how nearly everything I have ever said or done was selfish. Even those things that I thought were selfless, were really me dressing up, pretending to be gracious, or gentle, or generous. But only so I would “look” that way, not really be that way in my heart.
As I raise my son, I am learning it is ALL ABOUT HEART. It isnt about pretending, and following the rules, it isn’t about being on autopilot through life. It is about getting down and dirty, laughing with those who laugh, and crying with those who cry. Connecting my heart to people, and being gentle with their hearts.
Boy this is a hard lesson, one that is restoring my mind, and creating in me a Christ like woman. It isnt about stopping one particular habit, but translating my entire heart, and attitude, and reflection 180 degrees. Being upfront in life, being present, participating, being real, instead of sitting back and watching it all go past, and pretending to be good, is hard work.
I find my mind on auto pilot and I have to force myself to be present. When someone calls me and needs encouragement, I have to dig deep for honest caring, not just faking it. But, the Lord has been so faithful to give me grace, richly and deeply. And I can see how this is going to change me forever, I will come out on the otherside, an image of God, much more closely resembling Him than I do now.
(forgive me if this post rambled or had little point. I am making an effort to post everyday, so that I will get better at this, and so you all will have something to read when you stop by.)
Peace,
Meg
That was a beautiful post and read so short I want to read it again.
Time flies when your having fun.
In Christ